constant

I can’t stop thinking about them. I know I shouldn’t. They hate me. They talk badly about me. They don’t want me around. Doesn’t matter. I check their social media. I check again. I notice everything. I notice nothing. It’s a loop. It never stops. I try to do other things. I fail. I think about them while doing nothing. I think about them while reading. I think about them in bed. I think about them in the shower. Can’t shut it off. Can’t make it go away. It’s stupid. It’s embarrassing. It’s constant. I want nothing from them. Not a text, not an apology, not a look. I just want the thought to leave. It doesn’t. It won’t. I replay small things. Tiny interactions. Nothing important. Nothing that should matter. Matter anyway. I hate it. I hate myself for thinking it. I hate how persistent it is. I can’t escape it. It’s everywhere. I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop. It’s dumb. I’m dumb. I stare at their pictures. I notice patterns. I notice changes. I make up meaning. I make up stories. I don’t need to. I do anyway. It’s consuming. It’s relentless. It’s me. It’s them. It’s everything. Nothing. Loop. Again. Again. Again. I am not rational. I am not calm. I am not okay. I am not going to fix it. Not today. Not ever. I just live with it. I just let it run. I just scroll and think and hate and want and can’t and won’t. End of story. Or not. Whatever.